You've Got A Clacks!
by Olivia Greene
Summary: Uberwaldean winters are long and monotonous. Thankfully, Lady Margolotta has a sure-fire way of battling her boredom: the ever-promising game of 'Bother Lord Vetinari'. This time, Gooseberries are involved.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Inspired by the fact that the only reason I was able to guess Irene's password WAY in advance was because my friends and I joking about Havelock's name all the time.

Title totally not ripping off any Roundworld movies starring Tom Hanks, oh no.

* * *

**Margolotta, how on the Disc did you change my Gooseberry clacks alert?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:14

**I have no idea what you're talking about, Havelock. xoxo  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:15

**Oh but I know you do - and now I'd also like to know why! And possibly how, too. My Gooseberry never leaves my possession!  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:16

**I'm afraid I am still very much in the dark, my dear.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:16

**You're a vampire, darling, they see best in the dark. And now I want an answer. Why?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:17

**Oh you! It was just a harmless bit of fun. Don't be such a prude - it isn't very… you. 3  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:20

**Vimes was there, and von Lipwig too!  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:20

**Margolotta, I demand an answer! Don't think just ignoring me will make this go away!  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:26  
**  
Hmmn? Oh sorry, darling, I wasn't ignoring you, I was just laughing so hard I was unable to type properly there for a moment. You say it went off when Lipwig and the angry Commander were both there in the office with you? Oh no! To have been a bat on the wall! XDDD  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:27

**Margolotta…  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:27

**Sorry, darling, but surely even you must admit: the mental image is debilitatingly funny.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:28

**I don't have to make a mental image, Margolotta, I was THERE! That's the whole PROBLEM!  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:29

**But what I don't understand is why didn't you just change it back? Or tell the imp to be silent? Come on, you're smarter than that, you can't blame me for your own carelessness.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:29

**It was the first time it went off! And I certainly wasn't expecting it to do THAT!  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:30

**What's "THAT" dear?  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:30

**That sound you put on it. Actually yes, good question: what is "THAT"? Where does it come from, anyway?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:31

**Oh, do you like it? I made it myself.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:32

**Just for you. It's homemade. With love.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:32

**Yes, Margo, you're very witty, I'm sure. Now stop it.  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:33

**Well, you DID ask…  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:34

**I'm going to assume there was a reason behind all of this…?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:35

**Oh yes! A very good one too, only I fear you may not agree with me on that point.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:36

**Really now? And what is this good reason of yours?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:37

**I was bored.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:38

**You were bored? That's all. There isn't perhaps a second part to that message that adds the 'good' to your 'reason'?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:41

**Oh! Oh you mean: I was bored. You know how dreadfully dull these long Uberwaldean winters can become.  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:41

**I see. And this is amusing, you find?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:42

**Oh, immeasurably! xoxo  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:42

**How nice.  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:42

**^^,  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:42

**Oh, and, Margolotta?  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:43

**Yes, my dear?  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:44

**Don't think this is over. It's only just begun. You may have won the battle, but consider this my counter-declaration of war. As all the "cool kids" are saying these days: it is on!  
**From: Havvie 3; sent: 4 Grune, 09:45

**Ooooh, goody! I'd hoped for nothing less! You know, as I was saying: tedious Uberwaldean winters... :( And since we're quoting "cool kids" at the moment: bring it, bitch! lol :)  
**From: The Dark Lady; sent: 4 Grune, 09:46


	2. Chapter 2

**The Oblong Office, 4 Grune, 09h48:**

"Drumknott?"

"Yes, my lord?"

"Send a clerk to the Head of the Thieves' Guild and the Assassins' Guild and have him inform them they both have meetings with me. At the same time. I have need of Operation Impossible."

Drumknott froze. "Operation Impossible, my lord?" he repeated, incredulous.

"Yes, Drumknott, a co-operation between the two main guilds in the city." Vetinari reiterated patiently.

Drumknott still looked confused and faintly flustered, an unusual look for the Patrician's ordinarily composed head clerk. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and continued, "Yes, I do recall what it stands for, my lord, I only ask because… well… those two are the two guilds with the most bitter rivalry. With respect, sir, what could you possibly ask them to co-operate on? The thieves specialise in pick-pocketing, the assassins in inhumation. Where do these spheres overlap?"

The Patrician smiled. It was a sly smile, it was a pointed smile. It meant business. Drumknott wasn't too pleased with the possibly implications thereof. "Ah, but Drumknott, that's not all they do. Aside from casual mugging and pick-pocketry, the thieves also specialise in burglary, and the assassins are all well versed in stealth, lock-picking and breaking and entering without being noticed. You see where this begins to overlap? Every now and again, there are times when you wish to call a Thief for the ends you desire, but an Assassin for the means. Operation Impossible is there for these occasions." he explained idly.

"But the Thieves and the Assassins hate each other! Getting them to work together would be impossible."

"And that's exactly how the operation received its name, Drumknott. Send out the clerks, would you?"

Something about the Patrician's languid tone flashed a warning signal in the head clerk's mind; the discussion was over and as much as he didn't believe the mission would reach a satisfactory outcome, his boss wasn't interested in hearing about it anymore.

"Yes, my lord."


	3. Chapter 3

**The Oblong Office, 6 July, 13h23:**

"My Lord, Operation Impossible has been successfully completed." Drumknott said simply, and laid a small hand-sized package on the Patrician's desk.

"Ah. That is indeed good news." Lord Vetinari replied, grinning as he opened the parcel, "Perhaps some renaming of the enterprise will be in order should I ever wish to reuse the operation since co-operation appears to have been possible after all."

"Perhaps, my lord."

The Patrician had finished unwrapping the parcel and was now busy pushing buttons on the object it had contained. And suddenly the grin that had been on his face since Drumknott had deposited the parcel on his desk was gone.

"Ah." he said.

**The Secret Chamber Down The Boobytrapped Passage Leading Off From The Oblong Office That Totally Doesn't Exist, 6 July, 13h31:**

"Leonard, I have a little puzzle for you."

"Ooooh, splendid, your Lordship, splendid! I do confess things were beginning to get a little dull down here ever since I cracked the Auriental Mauve Code*."

"Hmmn, yes, that **has** been going rather well." his Lordship grinned smugly to himself for a moment before turning his attention back to Leonard, "Well, as I said, I do have something for you, but it's nothing as complex as the Mauve Code was, I'm afraid."

"Oh." Leonard's face fell.

"Still," his Lordship continued, "I think what it lacks in numerical complexity it will more than make up in enigmatic interest."

"Oh?" said Leonard again, his face lighting up. It was like flicking a switch.

"Yes indeed. Have a look at this." The Patrician handed him a thin, shiny black box.

"Why it's- it's a Gooseberry, your Lordship." Leonard said, somewhat sulkily, upset at having solved his capt- employer's mysterious puzzle with such disgusting ease.

"Quite so, Leonard, quite so. Now, if you would be so good as to wake the imp…"

Leonard complied.

The window lit up and a cheekily grinning, faintly glowing, face appeared in it. "Good morning, [facial recognition failed**]. If you'd be so kind as to tell me the code word, we'll get going right away!

"Code word?"

The demon held up a tiny glowing finger in the universal "one moment, please" gesture, fumbled behind him, and then held up a big white card that filled the whole of the view screen. Written on the card, in big black capital letters, were the words **I AM** followed by __ _ _ __ beneath it and then beneath that the word **LOCKED**.

Leonard read this out conscientiously. Unsure of what to call the underscores, it became "I am little line, little line, little line, little line locked."

"You have to tell me the code word." The imp prompted helpfully, lowering the card just enough for him to peek at Leonard over the top of it.

"Oh, I see! Your Lordship, it does appear that the imp will only allow access if you tell him the correct code word."

"Very good, Leonard. It's encrypted, yes. Now, I was wondering, could you perhaps crack it?"

"I could your Lordship, certainly, but the problem here is the imp is programmed to self-destruct if you tell him the wrong code word three times in a row. I fear that's not enough leeway when it comes to algorithms, my Lord. For instance, whilst working on the Mauve Code, I had to test thousands of possible combinations before I got the right one. I mean, certainly your Lordship, yes, this is only four characters and thus much easier, but even four characters needs more than three goes."

"Ah. So then no algorithms?"

"No, your Lordship. Sorry, your Lordship."

"What could one use as an alternate method then?"

"Well, your Lordship, to be honest, your best bet in a case like this is to study the encryptor's psyche until you are familiar with it, and then attempt to get into their mind and think what the four digits are most likely to be. Now, if you could just gather me some detailed information on the encryptor, I think I could just-"

"Yes, thank you, Leonard, but I don't think that would be necessary. I know the, as you put it, encryptor, and I do believe I'd better go this one on my own."

* * *

*Totally nothing like the Japanese Purple Code from WWII.

**Magitechnology on the Disc moves as quickly as its Roundworld counterpart.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Oblong Office, 6 July, 14h12:**

Havelock stared at the four little lines on the Gooseberry's screen, thinking intently.

This shouldn't be too difficult, he decided. After all, how tricky could figuring out someone's password be? Someone whom he knew well, at that. Nothing simpler!

Someone who was Lady Margolotta.

Damn.

But even she would have to have picked something, he reasoned. All he had to do was find out what that something was.

Knowing she was a vampire made things easier. Vampires were known to be genetically suckered into picking pseudonyms and codes that were ridiculously crackable - and generally involved using their own names backwards or something the like.

This time, however, he decided it wasn't going to be that easy. For two reasons. First off, while he had learned a great deal from the Lady during his time in Uberwald, he knew she'd picked up the odd thing from him too. Mainly the whole of her current knowledge of functional modern politics, but also to a lesser extent some more updated ideas about what sorts of codes were a good idea and what sorts were just plain laughable.

Why would she have a password on it anyway? It was impossible that she didn't trust her servants - an Igor wouldn't even dream of prying into his master's business. Perhaps she was wary of an attack by political enemies closer to home, werewolves, perhaps. Yes, that was probably it.

What was four letters long, something werewolves or dwarves or whatever it was up there Margo was afraid would nick her Gooseberry wouldn't guess and had some sort of meaning or reason why she'd choose it in the first place?

Naturally it could be a number as well, but he doubted that for two very different reasons. firstly, there were only two possible ways of using a number: a birth date or a random number. As he'd reasoned before, not even a vampire would be so stupid as to use their birth date, but that cut both ways. Being a vampire, she'd be simply unable to resist using something that was, in her mind at least, fitting and humorous and a random four digit number was none of that.

What does she keep on here that's so very valuable and important anyway, he wondered? All I know she does with this thing is communicate via clacks and play Thud via clacks.

Lord Vetinari raised an eyebrow.

Thud.

It was four letters long. It held meaning to her. It wasn't something any Uberwaldean enemy would guess at.

He keyed it in.

The Gooseberry made a sour sound, and the imp held up a red-tinted card sheet that said "**INCORRECT PASSWORD. THREE ATTEMPTS REMAINING**." on it.

"Whoops, sorry there, guv'nor." he said, peeking over the top of the card, "Better luck next time, eh?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Well? Have you got it yet? **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:06

**I have no idea what you're talking about, Margolotta. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:06

**Haven't you, dearest? Oh, what a shame. How can you be so sure this is me, anyway? **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:07

**Just a hunch, your Ladyship. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:07

**Which reminds me - why exactly have you blocked your number anyway, my dear? **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:08

**I have not blocked my number and I am most certainly not currently your dear! I have, shall we say, misplaced my usual Gooseberry. This is another. **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:09

**And when I say misplaced, I mean, you've had it stolen, haven't you?! **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:09

**I neither confirm nor deny any allegations laid against me. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:10

**But I will remind you of our last little conversation via Gooseberry Clacks. I shall repeat the particulars for you, since you seem currently unable to access your usual Gooseberry: there was a mutual declaration of war, darling. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:11

**I'm not your darling either, Havelock, but that war is still very much on! **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:11

**Excellent, table for two at seven then? **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:12

**Go duck yourself, Havelock! **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:12

**There's no swimming pool in the Patrician's Palace and none of the baths are deep enough. Sorry. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:13

**Urgh! You KNOW what I mean! I have a stupid ducking imp that refuses to get its damn words right! **  
From: Unknown Number; sent: 7 July, 15:14

**Perhaps you should just take a few deep breaths and step away from the imp now, my dear. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:15

Fifteen minutes later:

**Nevertheless, you have my sympathies though. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:30

**I do? What luck I have! What for? **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 7 July, 15:30

**You must have been very upset when you discovered that ATTOLOGRAM wouldn't fit. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:31

**Perfectly inconsolable, Havelock. And as for when I realised OGRAM was too long by one letter… well, I was utterly heartbroken, I have to tell you. Still, you know me: I bravely soldier on... **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 7 July, 15:31

**Do you really think me so transparent, Havelock, dearest? After all these years? Come on, have a little faith! **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 7 July, 15:31

**True, yes, you're right - but still, it was worth a try. It's always a good idea to get all the obvious places out of the way before you start looking for your house keys in the oven, so to speak. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 7 July, 15:32


	6. Chapter 6

**What all have you tried? **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 10 July, 11:44

**Why do you want to know? **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 10 July, 11:44

**Merely curious, darling. I'd like to know whether you're thinking along the correct path yet? What have you tried? **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 10 July, 11:45

**THUD**  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 10 July, 11:45

**Ah now. You see, you HAVE been thinking along the right path - keep at it, you're onto something. **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 10 July, 11:45

**Humourous, Margolotta, humourous. **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 10 July, 11:46

**Oh no! I'm serious. xoxo**  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 10 July, 11:46

**What do you mean by 'on the right path' anyway? **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 10 July, 11:47

**Well, without giving away TOO much information - can't have that, now can we - the way in which you have to be thinking is out of the box and faintly whimsically. You can do that, right? **  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 10 July, 11:48

**I suppose I shall have to, not so? **  
From: Havvie 3; sent: 10 July, 11:49

**Hmmn, yes dear, you shall. xoxo**  
From: That Bloody Woman; sent: 10 July, 11:50

Havvie 3 is now offline.

A sudden thought flashed into his mind: xoxo, she used that an awful lot in her clackses. It was faintly annoying, and, in the rare occasions when she wasn't using her Gooseberry to bother him, faintly endearing. Either way, it meant someone had made the mistake of taking the time to show her the 'fine art' of expressing emotions over clacks and, in true vampiric style, she'd latched on and never let go.

It would be just like her too, that was for certain: something she'd find ridiculously amusing for some odd reason.

What if, just perhaps…

In a burst of inspiration, he keyed in XOXO and growled in exasperation when the red tinted card appeared again, this time reading "INCORRECT PASSWORD. TWO ATTEMPTS REMAINING."

"Bad luck, mate. Still, third time lucky, eh boss?"


End file.
